Conflicts are sacred gifts preparing us for our greatest blessings

8 minute read

by Dr. Chantale Lussier, PhD. CMPC

Communication skills and conflict resolution skills are necessary for long term success in all areas of our lives. The challenge? Are we brave enough to work on these interpersonal skills when presented with the often challenging real life opportunities to exercise them? Are we willing to drop our egos, lean into our authentic vulnerabilities, and change the goal of the conversation? Or do we tend to hide our heads in the sand or run for the hills?

Ego and stubbornness tends to be attached to particular outcomes and desires being right. It armours up, digging its heels in fear. Meanwhile, our higher selves remembers the irreplaceable value of another person, our respective free will, and that cultivating healthy relationships is more valuable than momentarily being right or wrong. It knows it is safe to connect with others authentically. It breathes truth, respect, and dignity.

Communication Skills

Whether we have a tendency to get overwhelmed by emotions, to lash out, to chase, to over or under communicate, to people please, to feel mad, sad, shame, and/or embarrassed, to ruminate, overthink, resent, blame, shut down, stonewall, detach, ghost, or avoid conflicts entirely, these common habits highlight some of the skills we may lack or need to improve.

“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity” (Nat Turner)

Yet, research offers us an interesting insight into how we may tend to show up during difficult times of turmoil. “Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his/her own ideas” (Garry Chapman, The Five Love languages). Without careful awareness, an ability to actively listen well, and strong interpersonal skills, we may inadvertently self-sabotage relationships that matter dearly.

Being willing to work on our communication and conflict resolution skills supports our social and relational goals of wanting to become the kinds of neighbours, colleagues, teammates, coaches, leaders, friends, spouses / partners, family members, and human beings we ultimately wish to become.

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Conflict Resolution Skills

One of the ways I’ve come to think of conflict resolution skills includes 4Rs which are solution-oriented actions and behaviours we get to practice together: Reconnect, Repair, Reconcile, and Rebuilt. Underlying these great potential strategies though lies the inherent reality that each party must be willing to show up and work through things together.

“Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love” (Garry Chapman, The Five Love languages).

Conflicts happen. They need not destroy relational bonds of value in our lives. How we choose to work through conflicts with others has the opportunity to deepen trust, wellbeing, and healthy connections in all facets of our lives. Whether we are committed to building healthy corporate cultures of excellence, winning team cohesion, fulfilling family ties, life long friendships, and/or healthy, playful, transformative romantic relationships, it’s about being committed to building a more peaceful inner and outer life. This is a relational process that demands we exercise relational skills whenever given the gift of that opportunity.

I say gift because most of us habitually avoid the chance to work on communication and conflict resolutions skills because we all fear failure, shame, judgement, rejection, and the very real pain conflicts may unintentionally cause or (re)awaken. But what we resists, persists. Is it any wonder we are all slow to develop these vital interpersonal skills?

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Conflicts as Healing Opportunities

But what if these conflicts were lessons from the universe? God given opportunities to heal old core wounds, self defence mechanisms, and unhealthy patterns that no longer serve us in our lives? What if avoiding the conflicts in our lives meant we also keep blocking our greatest blessings?

In the heat of the moment, we humans tend to get triggered by unhealed trauma and past core wounds, and then act out based on historical blueprints, including attachment style tendencies. “Attachment styles are formed in relationships, maintained in relationships, and reformed in relationships. One does not change their attachment style on their own” (Tara Spears). We often project fear-based false assumptions and attribute misunderstandings as character flaws of the Other instead of seeing them as circumstances and situations that incite us to deepen our understanding of ourselves and another person’s lived experiences. In other words, much of conflicts has little to do with the other person and current circumstances. It’s not about the toothpaste in the sink or the ball that was fumbled. Much of the materials of conflict reside in historic content being brought back to life in the present moment with another human being.

“He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven” Thomas Fuller.

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Conflicts as Relational Opportunities

What if there’s another way that completely changes how we view conflicts? What if we looked at conflicts as sacred mental, emotional, and spiritual exercises, opportunities for deep healing, and blessings to work on important skills? What if we were grateful for the times in our lives when we could commit to building better bridges with each other rather than digging deeper canyons? What if we remembered to appreciate the people we get to work through the mud with as some of our life’s greatest allies?

Conflicts are another way to be great teammates be it in sports and life, by remembering that we are on the same team trying to solve a valuable situational puzzle together while protecting at all costs the priceless bond between us. Just as mistakes and failures are part of the process of excellence, conflicts are part of the process of building long-lasting, significant bonds with other humans. It’s how we learn to build healthy, meaningful connections together. It is social learning in action.

“Everyone wants one person in the world to whom they can tell the truth and from whom they will hear the truth. Become that person” (Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations)

Now, don’t get it twisted though. I hate conflicts as much as the next person, and feel pain deeply. And while I hate to admit it (hello shame), I have not always dealt with conflicts as effectively as I’d like. But what I am learning now is that I’m so grateful for the sacred conflicts that have inspired some of my deepest healing, growth, and personal development. Were it not for these precious people, willing to challenge me as I too challenged them, I would not be the person I continue to grow into.

How beautiful and deeply humbling. Talk about a sacred assignment and social contract. We help grow one another every day. The truth is that personal development is a deeply interpersonal journey. And while we may unintentionally hurt each other from time to time, we also have the opportunity to intentionally participate in each other’s healing, growth, evolution, and daily becoming.

“A person is a person through other persons. None of us comes into the world fully formed. We would not know how to think, or walk, or speak, or behave as human beings unless we learned it from other human beings. We need other human beings in order to be human” Desmond Tutu, echoing the humanist African philosophy of Ubuntu.

I don’t pretend to have it all figured out and Lord knows I still need to embrace opportunities to work on conflict resolution and communication skills more. But I finally have gotten a glimpse of why this matters so much. It’s about genuinely wanting to reach the person on the other side, and realizing that deep down, we likely want the same things: to be safe, seen, heard, understood, forgiven, valued, respected, loved, and cherished without judgement for exactly who we are; human.

And isn’t that worth fighting well for?

Author: (c) Chantale Lussier

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